To you

well, actually i'm not supposed to be your contender but i made this way, the choice. Disremembering the memories wasn't the option, that's totally implicit, i need time to chillax, to think and reflect how it will affect me, how it becomes better as I least expected. I’m not moving, I’m here with the stillness but I don’t have such face to see you, no more, it’s getting over. I put my doubt at first, i had been pondering, a lot, these complexities seemed to be endless to me, I wondered I could hear your opinion. I didn’t count the days but I just realized we don’t talkanymore, how can I say now? i’m missing our debates. No more text, no more bothersome jokes, no more frustrating you in my days, it’s all right Iguess I’ve found my feet.

I saw you there, pardon me, you looked terrible. I got the most difficult moment in this month, it will be too much if I say it is the hardest in my life, won’t it? Something was struggling inside my heart, I kept pretending like I didn’t see you even I didn’t know if you noticed it well, but trust me it made me sick. I was waiting in a place and heard someone was uttering your name, well, it bothered me, there was a feeling like I wasn’t willing that person talked bout you, it because I know you too well. for some times I forgot and still talking bout you though, I know I was the one who chose this way, it’s just hard for me to get rid of this feeling, it’s ok nobody will read it.

You are indelible, you know why? Idk why.. it is convincing. I had a try, to kill and bury this unspecified feeling by unmeeting you before it grew into the undesirable one, it came to nothing, and I failed. I kinda thought if only we didn’t start this, if only we were normal from the start. It’s been this hard, right? This kind of connection won’t make it in any way. you gave me no choice, neither did i.You always remind me bout what your position means to you, all the risks seem to be that horrific and you are too scared bout what ppl think bout you. I asked you why you don’t seem afraid with your other connection and you’ve surprised me with your answer. You told me the differences between me and her, I couldn’t blame you cause you got 90% true.

I’m left with no option but staying away from you as far as I can for now. If only you know it, i rather have 6 tests a day than try to set aside you. I never told you that you are the person which I’ve dreamt more than 5 times, it was weird initially since you were not the one I thought about those nights. Like last night, I dreamed of you, even in my dream we didn’t talk each other cause I was like trying to be apathetic of your presence around me. When I awakened, there was no you, there will be no ‘literally’ you at least in my mind.

I’m standing here on my place and doing what I’m supposed to do. I try to be fair, like you used to request from me, to be just with my own feeling. you never know how it feels to share it between you and him. we don’t fall in love, we totally understand that part, you are the one I give my respect to, I like you for the real you. You never asked me bout my feeling to you, i thank God for that, I can’t give you an answer. I never officially demand you to choose me to be, well I don’t understand what I am for you. You always seem that you have that feeling in front of me but you don’t seem as it does all together, that’s strange. you make me think over and over again. he knows there’s you and you know there is he as well, sometimes this makes me feel guilty. I thought bout you when I was with him, I told you bout him when we’re together, you and him showed me nothing. I don’t understand the way you both thinking. i can’t put like and love together here. I don’t desire you have it actually because it will be getting more complex. To be still with you means allowing a chance for me to love you, I definitely gotta stop that possibility cause you know I can’t. it is no longer bout my own feeling that I concern, but yours and his. I neither plan to be an egotistic thing who only thinks bout myself nor a saint who has to do virtues to people, I have my own considerations of doing this, maybe there’s none of you will get the point. Besides, who am I to ruin someone’s life? I wanna learn to accept what I recognize as the best so far. Please don’t think I’m going to hate you only because you will see me escaping. there’s time when I’m ready to talk to you without fears, without these growing feeling inside, maybe it will take weeks, months, or even years, i don’t give a damn. I don’t mind if someday you hate me, or you hate me now, as long as you take care of your life, you deserve a better one, please don’t play around with it. I will always be here to like you, it’s not gonna be the same anymore, but my cares will always be.

think much??

To You

if you ask me why and why, i'm trying to find the reasons, just to assure you, i can't be like what i had been before. sometimes i feel this condition is not on our side, it's just unfair, why things are so easy for you but not for me? i'm wandering alone along this path, seeking the answer why it's so hard to 'leave' you without being hurted, i need something that makes sense. are you too precious for me? while i know, it's not love that i feel, isn't that weird?
please, don't get closer anymore and give me those uncertainties. i'm trying to keep the distance between us not because i don't care of you at all, it's better for me to stay away and live with these memories. if only i can wish, may you always remember me with your own way as i will do ahead, just to remind myself that you ever been a special one in my life.

8-3-2012

siiiigh... hey there! hows life going? hope it's as fun as you expected.
talking about mine, hmm nothing too special happened lately, here with the stillness as ever. school's stuffs will be soon trapping me as ever, haunting me like a ghastly ghost. i'm over and over thinking about the AS Level examination, not really sure what's the specific thing i'm worrying about -.- it just bothers me a lot with the shadows of what questions will they give to us, please please be nice hey Mr.Question-makers.
umm, one more confusion on my mind is whether i will take my A level examination or not. in my school, the students who can take their A lvl Examination are they who can reach a particular value, i forgot what it is. to be honest, i really wanna go to the next level soon, i mean to uni or maybe i have to take a foundation first but still there are some considerations i have been thinking these days. if i can say, there are fears, fears of losing the moment in this awesome school, it's banging braders, srsly.. i love the whole 78 shs, no joking. this super school has been teaching me many things. i love my classmates, though i'm pretty sure they don't know that, i give my total respect to the teachers and i do love them.
ma'am anggun, our pretty home teacher, she's so kind and patient to us. she likes to give notes on our quizzes, commenting on our result, motivating and encouraging us to be better, they're just so sweet to make us smile. she's the youngest teacher that i know so far. i believe most of the students like the way she teaches, i do! :)
ma'am prima, our nice math teacher, she's as kind as ma'am anggun but i think she's the most patient of all. she likes to give 'excellent', 'very good' those kinds of comments on our quizzes, and even smileys like :) or ^^. she always gives us worksheets topically to make us easier to learn. she's a blogger too.. :)
ma'am ratna, our first year chemistry teacher. she looks strict but actually she's not, she's really friendly. sometimes she can be strict but most of the times she totally cares of us. many students like to share and ask about her advices, even about love life. no wonder she was awarded as the fave teacher of 78's inter program.
ma'am tyas, master of bio :). she's so kind, why kind? because she always gives us the easier quizzes than sir hario's. hehe, just kidding. she's kind because she is, forget about the quizzes :D bio is always challenging yet exciting subject for me. being taught by her is always fun, she has wide knowledge and she likes to share new interesting things to us, that's why her period never goes boring. she's a writter and a translator as well, if i'm not mistaken.
sir hario, another master of biology. the first inter teacher that i met just right before the test to get accepted in 78 intr. the coolest teacher i ever met as well, he always looks neat and clean. he always explains things clearly, i always like the way he speaks and behaves, it's quite unique but i kinda dislike his quizzes, they're such a brain cracker. anyhow he's an ace and my fave teacher also.
sir sapto, the genius man of physics. haha. he's brainy, who doesn't admit it? in my first year, i found it wasn't so hard to understand but now.... zzz so sorry sir! have to say that i kinda don't get what you've been explaining in this fourth semester. i found it quite easy in the third semester *just quite.. i'm sick of the methods with the hard-to-chew symbols included. the climax was on the last quiz, it was a torture.. really a torture! -___- i need a retake,pls.. apart from his way of teaching, actually he's nice, i've never seen him angry so far, wish he won't be. one more thing, sometimes he allows us to watch movies, it's like an intermezzo to refresh our mind.
sir emery or just sir 'e', our first home teacher and english teacher as well. he's very friendly and funny. he has a commitment that he won't speak in bahasa with his students, same like sir yoseph, my jhs english teacher but he won't pinch his students like sir e will do to us if he finds us speaking in bahasa. yeah that's his trademark.
sir shafa, another genius teacher. he teaches math, specially mechanic for 11 graders. he often comes up with the motivational words if we, the students seem like we don't have any spirit to study. he's a great teacher for sure. this year i'm gonna take mechanic for my examination, hopefully what he has been teaching and explaining will be useful.ameeeen.
sir nick, the native speaker that we have there. he teaches academic writing for this second year. one thing i will always remember about him is his inaudible videos. some of them are cool but some others are (sorry to say) weird. it's okay as long as it can 'rescue' us from our boredom. i like his period, no matter what.haha.
laoshi euis, our Chinese teacher. she only teaches the 10 graders, unfortunately. i always love her period, never boring! she's super kind and patient. once she played a song for us, lao shu ai da mi that's really meaningful, how i love that song..
and some other teachers that as great as they who're written above.
once i was accepted in 78 and started my days studying in my first year, i still felt like i was followed by my jhs memories, my besties there, my seniors, bla bla. even i still had views of my jhs's court when i stood on the balcony and looked the shs's court down there. it was pathetic if i can say. trapped in a room filled by so many pictures of sweet moments i had together with my beloved ppl, the haters, teachers, it was unforgettable. perhaps, ppl see me as an ignorant person, seem like i don't even care of my besties, that's totally wrong, you guys are precious to me.. it took quite long till i found my missing part that i left behind, thought that it was buried deep in the recis's ground. someone that i loved for almost two years, he meant a lot to me, what can i say, God says he's not the best i can get. so i moved on.. life was getting more fun and easier, i found my spirits again. love came closer and went away indeed, i still didn't find the fit one. around april-may 2011, the busy months, leading us to the waited moment, IGCSE Examination, i didn't have time to focus on another thing but the exams. thank God i passed it with the best of me.
then the thematic project we had in Thailand. it was great and i believe everyone had so much fun there.
i ll be smiling to remember what happened there, what an experience..
this second year, i got here finally, few months to go. i have been through many things, good and bad at once. been through the days when i felt down and annoyed, days when i smiled and laughed like crazy and days when i was dying of quizzes. there are just too much to describe. i have been spending my time with you guys, i just can't get enough, if i can thank you for everything you have given to me.
my jhs friends, 9B my best class in jhs, herlina, juli, marcia, owen, all uks united :'D thanks for the moment when we could bunk off, remember history lessons? i bet ma'am anna was really really pissed off. haha. and accounting lessons we had? i hate them to be honest. i was so lucky to have you in common. i'm really chuffed to have such times with you guys, it's a dead cert!
apart from my school life, i don't forget for sure! my lovely besties! karina, my up-to-the-minute sister :*, radit the brill munyu :D, winus my quarrelsome yet spruce brader! cipto my coffee freak friend-till-i-die! all opa's family that i can't mention one by one here. you guys are awe-inspiring! i can't keep my hair on when we're together.. berries students, bonna, my kiyut helper.. obet, nania, denna.. davin, though you're a terrible one but i still love you :) mr.barry, well, this time is an exception, you rock, man! haha. mr.ian, how come you didn't play with a full deck!? :D and m.w.a.b.t.s who always calls me l.w.c.p.f! richaaard! anyhow you mean to me! don't be that happy, bro! i don't know what is inside me now till i can say these nice words to ppl.. haha. my suggestion to you, don't be that serious in life! have fun is necessary.. remember what i said that 'have fun as much as it's possible and don't forget to include the brain to the moment'..
the only thing i'd like to focus on for now is just the examination. let the memories kept inside my heart and be the best part of my life till forever *only on lebai.com.. haha.